Confessions of a Startup Founder

Today I started killing off some servers.  Gone is our fancy setup with load balancing ssd database servers and a host of front end machines.  Now the entire app is run on just two servers.  

I’m trying to save money.  Keep costs down.  Give me at least another month of runway

I’ve killed off our project management software, and some other niceties.  Next up will be the companies phones.  At least I’ll get back the $1000 deposit on that.  Thats a months worth of server bills.

Today an investor asked for an update.

I always dread these emails.  Sometimes, I just ignore them for days.  Pretend that my email inbox is overflowing and I’m just too busy - the truth is it’s the exact opposite.

I eventually do respond.  Am I allowed to be pessimistic.  Or am I supposed to play the role of the entrepreneur and be always optimistic even when I know in just a few weeks things will fall apart from underneath me.  A depressing thought.

I end up being slightly pessimistic.  Letting the investor know in general terms that I have failed.  Using terms like “growth hasn’t been as positive as expected”.  What bullshit.  In the world of startups, nobody actually tells it like it is.  Even the swearing, bold and brash angels that appear to “tell it like it is”, are just as big bullshiters  as the rest - I know because they once told me how brilliantly clever I was.  They built me up.  Made me into someone who I wasn’t.  I felt like a fraud from day one.  

I’ll keep going along with this bullshit until it all collapeses.  I have a backup plan.  They don’t know it exists.  

I’m nearly half way through my twenties.  I was once told (a couple of years ago now) that I was too old to be a wunderkind.  Ha!  Apparently investors are looking for a wunderkind - the next Mark Zuckerberg.  However, despite my apparent “oldness”, people still regularly tell me “Oh so you’re going to be the next Mark Zuckerberg”.

No.

I wish stupid investors, mentors and other startup folk would stop building me up.  I’m just going to crash and burn spectacularly.  

2 years ago, I thought that if your startup got on techcrunch you’d end up being a success.  You’d get massive traffic, the investors would queue up and you’d be the next Mark Zuckerberg.  

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it.  But the truth is people are still obsessed with getting press coverage on sites like Techcrunch.  I’ve been on Techcrunch, Mashable, The Next Web, the list goes on…. Yet I’m definitely not the next Mark Zuckerberg or even close to being a success.

Things might have been different a few years back.  When Techcrunch just started it was a different beast.  An article on Techcrunch did actually mean something - including a mass of traffic.  The reality now is you might get 500-1000 uniques to your app.  Big woop!  I get 100K every day from other sources and it means absolutely nothing.  

Techcrunch killed itself.  They started posting to many articles.  They started posting about big tech companies.  And they hired the wrong people.  

The industry needs a startup blog which just covers startups!  Fuck Facebook.  Just cover newly launching companies and newly financed companies.

I wish I wasn’t running a startup.

I should be grateful.  I was given an amazing opportunity - I have what could be considered an A-Team of investors backing my company.  I have youth.  I have some intelligence.  I should be grateful.

But I have no freedom.

I’m trapped, running a product I no longer believe in.  A product that is slowly dying and I have no idea how to fix.

 I used to be able to create apps whenever I wanted.  I would come up with an idea, design  an app and push it live.  I no longer do that - afraid that some investor may see me working on something other than the product they have invested in.

I’m afraid of what I tweet.  Even what I blog.  I feel like I’m constantly being watched.  The truth is i’m not.  I’m just one of hundreds of companies these a-lister investors have a stake in.

I remember when my product was so incredibly hot that I was getting daily press inquiries - everyone wanted to invest.  I was on the phone to investors, pitching, selling.  Now the phone won’t ring.  Now I don’t know who to call.

I didn’t really make many mistakes outright.  What I did was let things drift.  I wasn’t aggressive enough.  If I had my time again, I would know exactly what to do.

I wish I could turn back the clock.  I would do pretty much everything differently.  I’m sick of failing.  I want to create successful stuff again.  But I can’t - i’m trapped in this stupid startup.  With this stupid product.  

If anybody asks me how I’m doing - I always say “Great”.  When I’m asked how the product is doing, I always say “great”.  both lies.  But have you ever heard an entrepreneur say there product is doing miserably.